Against Chairs

Hahahahahahahaha yessssssssss!!!!!

Chairs, unlike mirrors and clocks, are not unsullied hell spawns that exist solely to reap our fat souls as kindling for hellfire. However, they are inversions, and should be removed from the average household (or at least placed in nearby storage, so that you can easily retrieve them for your next dinner party, where you will of course persuade large swathes of modern people to adopt my anti-household-item mindset.)

First, various forms of physical posture must be considered. Augustine correctly noted that our natural standing position reflects our intellectual access to God: our heads are higher than any other part of our body, giving them in the spatial realm a symbolic priority. Fittingly, this position is proper only to humans, as opposed to animal horizontality. Another consideration pertains to the corporal direction of the eyes and body. Most work in traditional societies was performed standing; here, the body is pointed horizontally, while the eyes are pointed either horizontally or more toward the earth. A cosmic two-dimensionality is implicit here, as our purpose in working is to produce material goods. Now, when lying down, leaning, or “reclining” as the Romans did, the three-dimensional space of the immediate area becomes apparent. In this anti-labouring position, the body and/or eyes assume a vertical aim, which is why prayer and contemplation are closely associated with rest. Chairs nullify this effect: one prolongs his horizontal gaze when seated upright, and is never positionally disposed to gaze at the stars. Suitably, the explosion of materialist industry and technology now mandate the performance of current work from a seat, and the post-Trent innovation of pews in churches is no exception to these psychological effects.

Are these pieces of furniture really as historically rare as I’m implying? Kind of. A quick glimpse at the “chair” Wikipedia page immediately shows that they are historically synonymous with “thrones.” They were totally symbolic of an elevation over others; even when resting, the divine king occupies a higher realm than the layperson. In our technological, Promethean era, we are all gods; we must all be enthroned. But what about elderly people who need to sit in a chair to rest? This stumped me for a moment, until I realized: either elderly people actually did not need chairs in those times, and this is simply a phenomenon of modern man’s hilarious nosedive in health; or, in accordance with reverence of elderly wisdom characteristic of traditional societies, thrones were fitting for the corporeally and intellectually mature. The dilemma is solved either way.

This is only the symbolic side, not to mention the abundant health detriments of sitting. Especially when you’re shitting, the sitting position pinches the channel of your rectum, which is why shits on a toilet are never really satisfying. Ideally, you should shit in the squatting position; the shit will flow naturally, producing a euphoria that rivals the pleasure of pissing.